Nation in Chaos as Texas, Alabama Fans Storm Capitol for NIH Funds

The nation was once again plunged into crisis as fans of the Texas and Alabama football programs attempted to storm the U.S. Capitol demanding an end to the funding freeze imposed on the National Institutes of Health (NIH) by the incoming Trump administration. While unable to breach the Capitol defense, the crimson and burnt orange mob effectively laid siege to the grounds, preventing any entry or exit to the Capitol or surrounding office buildings.

Protestors expressed outrage that both the University of Texas and the University of Alabama disbanded their athletic departments earlier in the week, including their celebrated football programs. School administrators cited a need to offset the loss of $1.1 billion and $338 million from NIH grants in 2024, respectively. Texas athletic department expenses were $232 million in 2023, while Alabama spent $212 million on athletics, operating at a $12.1 million deficit, over the same period.

University leadership expressed empathy with the insurrectionists, but called for them to stand down. "Look, this wasn't an easy decision," said James Milliken, chancellor of the University of Texas System. "We hope the administration returns to funding the important work of the NIH and we can get back to Longhorn football. But violent protest isn't the way forward. They're not even at the right building."

Jackson Windsock, one of the leaders of the Alabama contingent, led the crowd in passionate chants of Roll Tide! Roll Tide! Fund more research on trofinetide! "I'm hard core MAGA and think the government should stay out of our lives," Windsock said. "But if the only way to expand treatment of Rett syndrome and get 'Bama football back for this fall is to continue funding the NIH, then it's time to kick Congress out and make it happen ourselves."

"We appropriated $56 billion to NIH last year. We don't spend it, the president does. I have no idea what they want us to do," said House Speaker Mike Johnson, peering at the angry mob from the Speaker's office window. "I really hope they don't shit on the desk again."

Other universities in the SEC, such as Tennessee, opted to continue sponsoring athletics despite the funding cut. "Cancer isn't real. Have you ever seen a cancer?" Tennessee spokesperson Clay Travis commented. "It's a cuck disease and taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for cucks."

The Trump administration did not respond to requests for comment.